The Day the Soda Ran Out
by Mikomi's Pen
Summary: [Suikoden III] A grand, sweeping, and brilliant tale of love, hate, life, death, morality, betrayal, stabbing, fire, shounen-ai, eating of body parts, Ghetto Geddoe, and awkward celebrity endorsements. Yuber says it's only for the PlayStation 2.
1. Never Send a Pony to Do A Man's Job

The day was bright and lovely in the Zexen Forest, though it was rather difficult to tell, being as there were all those stupid trees blocking out the sunlight. Damn arboreal bastards.  
  
But as the quantity and/or quality of the light is unimportant to our moving and good-touching little ditty, we shall move on. For there were two delightful and rather nubile lust-objects mounted upon horses, enjoying, or not, as the case may be, the sunlight. And wine. More the latter than the former, really, as sunshine may be fun time, but damn, man, booze is fan-bloody-tastic!  
  
"Nice day, isn't it?" asked Percival mildly, then took a long pull from the flask in his hand.  
  
"Hmm?" Borus grunted absently. "Oh. Yes. I suppose so..."  
  
"You sound as though you have something on the mind."  
  
"I guess I do," he admitted a bit reluctantly. "I...oh, this is...difficult to admit."  
  
"Oh? Romantic troubles?" Percival said with a careless grin of quasi-anticipation. "Tell Percival alllll about it, Borie Bear."  
  
The swordsman's brown eyes flicked up to rest almost hesitantly upon Percival's devilishly well-sculptured face. "I...I'm afraid I've fallen in love with..."  
  
"Yes?" Percival prompted in a manly voice, taking a manly swig and sitting up with manly good posture.  
  
"Chris."  
  
Percival choked, then sprayed his mouthful of booze all over a nearby holly bush. Borus, loath to let anything flammable go to waste, pulled out a box of matches and lit the alcohol on fire, watching avidly as it shrieked and writhed in conflagrated agony.  
  
"REDRUUUMM!" it screeched.  
  
"What?" asked Borus.  
  
"Uh - well, okay," Percival muttered, wiping booze from his mouth with the back of his hand and wishing that he could blink the tears, roused by Borus' betrayal, from his eyes. Oh, wait, no, that was just because he'd gotten vodka up his nose. Heh.  
  
"I shouldn't have told you that," Borus moaned, now that the fire had burned itself out back into full love-stricken angst mode. "I shouldn't have! I don't know how to, you know..."  
  
"Induce her into having sex with you? Hmm. That is quite a conundrum," Percival said slowly and maliciously. Dammit, if he couldn't have a fangirl squeal-inducing slash relationship with Borus which would make him the most popular character in the game, then neither could anyone else, regardless of their gender! "Well. As you know, I'm quite experienced with women, so here's what you have to do. First, send her flowers."  
  
Borus nodded intently. "I've heard that one before."  
  
"See, but everyone else has gotten it wrong. You need to send her dead flowers."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. With a card attached with a little frowny face drawn on it."  
  
"Oh, good! What else? I've heard things about chocolates..."  
  
"No, no no no no. Not chocolates. Make it...a head of lettuce. Send it along with a note that refers to Chris as 'Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.'"  
  
Even the remarkable credulous simplicity of Borus couldn't keep him entirely in the dark. "Are you sure? That sounds a bit..."  
  
"No, no no. Come on! This isn't, like, obese. This is a different type of fat."  
  
"Ahhh, I see," Borus said, nodding and jotting down notes. "Okay. Excellent. What else?"  
  
Ahh, this was working out beautifully. His best friend's budding relationship would be sabotaged before it even began to bud. No, wait. Crap. Oh, whatever.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"4,217 bottles of sweet, refreshing soda on the wall...4,217 bottles of sweet, refreshing soda...Take one down, drink the contents then smash the bottle against the table to obtain a raiser edge that you can use to horribly and permanently maim stander-bys and spill lovely, thick, rich, fragrant blood...4,216 bottles of sweet, refreshing soda on the wall!"  
  
"It's standers-by, not stander-bys," Albert corrected archly for the 5,783rd time, striking a pose that positively screamed "I'm sexy and you're an idiot."  
  
"Ohhh, and what would you know, Mr. I'm-only-24-and-mortal-to-boot?" demanded Yuber irritably.  
  
"Clearly, far more than you," Albert said, smug that he had gotten a rise out of the demon and completely ignoring the fact that he had failed in that very task the first 5,782 times. In celebration, he struck his "I'm far cleverer than you AND dead sexy" pose.  
  
"Yuber!" barked Sarah. "Stop being stupid. And Albert...stop...posing."  
  
"He started it," both chorused simultaneously.  
  
"Well, I don't care who started it, I care about what you're doing - I swear to our lord Hikusaak, I will turn this teleport around!" Then she winced, knowing what was going to come next.  
  
"Saaaaaraaaaaah," Yuber puled, "don't you think I'm old enough to teleport myself? I'm 1,294 now. That's, like, eight thousand dog years."  
  
"9058," Albert corrected instantaneously. Yuber glared. Albert shrugged. "What? I'm helping your case now."  
  
"No, you're trying to show off."  
  
"I'm afraid that you're wrong, my dear...whatever you are."  
  
"No, I'm not. All that matters to you is showing off."  
  
"More things than that matter to me."  
  
"No they don't."  
  
"Yes they do."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Stop it!" Sarah screeched.  
  
"Stop it!" Yuber mimicked.  
  
"I mean it!"  
  
"I mean it!"  
  
"You're so juvenile!"  
  
"You're so juvenile!"  
  
A sly look came into Sarah's eye. "I'm in love with Leo and Jefferson!"  
  
"Luc's in love with Leo and Jefferson!"  
  
Sarah flushed, then snatched up her staff and used it to cave Yuber's skull in. "How dare you insult Master Luc?!" Then she looked down at her extremely dead handiwork. "Perhaps that was not the best course of action."  
  
"Oh, no need to worry," Albert said casually. "He's a recurring RPG villain. He can't die in a sequence that isn't even on-screen."  
  
"Oh," Sarah said, wondering what the hell he was talking about. Still, he seemed to have some sort of basis for his theory, as Yuber was standing up.  
  
"Hoo. That sure was a close one. Good thing I was wearing a helmet, thanks to the Plot Device - Contrivance Edition! Endorsed by such celebrities as Flik, Viktor, Nanami, Jowy, and pretty much anyone who's ever wanted a happy ending, ever!" He turned to the camera with a grin that would have been charming, had his teeth not been stained scarlet from the blood of someone forgotten. "Remember, kids! Wear a helmet, don't do drugs, and promote your genocide from large-scale to mass, because it takes a lot of blood to fill up an entire swimming pool!"  
  
A suit stuffed a wad of cash into Yuber's hand. "I'm just going to ignore that last one, 'kay?" the suit said, patting Man in Hat on the back chummily. Then, just for fun, Yuber killed him and ate his heart, and the world was a better place.  
  
Sarah scurried over to Luc, who stood languidly off to the side. "Master Luc! Did you see how I defended your honor?"  
  
Luc nodded slowly and thoughtfully, then announced with greatest gravity, "I'd like a soda."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Mmm. Soda."  
  
"Why is it that you never shut up about your goddamn sodas?" bawled Ace. "Sodas are for sissies! Everybody knows that real men drink milk!" He grinned in that way of his that would send small children fleeing for their mothers. "Remember, kids! Drink your milk and use only Cashmere Escort Service!"  
  
A suit strolled up, followed closely by a brothel madam.  
  
"I'm a bit uneasy about you promoting both products in the same breath," the madam sighed, nevertheless handing over a wad of cash.  
  
"Mmm," concurred the suit. "Some of her customers are allergic to milk." He started to walk away when Ace pulled out his sai and stabbed him in the back.  
  
Queen winced. "Feeling irritable today, Ace?"  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because sai are bludgeoning weapons."  
  
Joker cackled. "Ouchu!"  
  
"You're an idiot," Ace muttered.  
  
"Your mom's an idiot!" the older man retorted.  
  
"Yeah, well, you're old!"  
  
"Your mom's old!"  
  
"Don't talk about my mother!"  
  
"Ouchu!" He cackled again.  
  
"..." commented Jacques quite distinctly.  
  
"Those boys make me need a drink," sighed Queen.  
  
"Me, too," Geddoe agreed.  
  
Queen snorted. "You can't hold your liquor worth a damn."  
  
"Yes I can."  
  
"I'll bet you can't."  
  
"I'll bet I can."  
  
"Well, all right, then. Let's have a little...competition."  
  
"Sounds good. I win, I get a date."  
  
"If I outdrink you, I get to dress you up however I want."  
  
"Okay," he said, standing up to get a bottle of gin. "Drink."  
  
She raised an elegant eyebrow and downed the whole thing in three gulps.  
  
"And an impressive showing from Queen!" Ace crowed. "Can Geddoe keep up? And Queen seems to be selecting a drink, and it's...beer! That's right, normal beer! And she's pouring it into - can you believe this? She's pouring it into a shotglass! Could she be trying to lose?"  
  
Geddoe accepted the miniscule glass, sniffed it hesitantly, took a sip, said "Crap," and passed out drunk.  
  
"Sure do like those sodas," Aila commented.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It started off innocently enough, considering.  
  
"I can't believe I'm being sent to fetch a soda," Albert grumbled. "I'm a Silverberg, not an errand boy!"  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm in the same boat as you, and I'm potentially key to many of the mysteries within this world, yet you don't hear me whining, do you?"  
  
"Yes. Incessantly. As recently as three minutes ago."  
  
"Oh, yeah," Yuber chortled merrily. "That was cool. I should do that again."  
  
"Oh, no. You will not be doing that again," Sarah snapped. "And you will be stopping, Albert."  
  
"You can't tell me what to do. I'm a Silverberg, not some child."  
  
"Being a Silverberg doesn't mean you're great, you know," Yuber commented.  
  
Albert started to swell, pale, and turn to yell at him, all simultaneously, when Sarah, trying to salvage the situation a bit, desperately pointed out, "Like your little brother!"  
  
"How right you are!" Albert said, beaming smugly. There were only three times at which he was not contrary: when someone was insulting Caesar, when someone was complimenting his military skill, and when he was playing miniature golf. Damn, he loved mini-golf.  
  
"Master Luc is working terribly hard, you know," Sarah pointed out, hoping Albert would be a bit more pliable. "I mean, is it so much to get him a drink of soda now and then?"  
  
"He could send someone else," Albert replied, dashing Sarah's hopes. "After all, I'm a - "  
  
"We've heard," Yuber muttered. Albert glared, and Yuber tried and failed to blink innocently.  
  
Once he had gathered his considerable dignity about him once again, Albert said, "Couldn't he simply send one of his monster friends to do it? They're certainly not otherwise occupied."  
  
"Ohh, yeah! That would go well. 'Hello, barkeep. Do you have soda?' 'Oh my God! A monster! It's going to eat my brains!'"  
  
"Better than what it's going to be. 'Oh my God! It's Yuber! He ate my brains!'"  
  
"Mmm. Brains."  
  
"Besides, Master Luc isn't limited to monsters. One time, he summoned me a pony! That was cool! But then Yuber ate it."  
  
"Mmm. Pony brains."  
  
"Well, then, why doesn't Master Luc send a pony on these errands, then, hm? Better than sending me. I'm - "  
  
"We know." All of this was making Yuber irritable. When he was irritated, he got hungry. And those executives didn't hold you, really. Too much fiber.  
  
"Besides," Sarah pointed out, "ponies can't talk."  
  
"Neither can monsters."  
  
"Some of them can."  
  
Albert, annoyed at being contradicted, decided to hit where it would hurt. "Luc is really kind of feeble, isn't he?" he asked nastily. "He can't do anything on his own. Every single decision is made for him, by you or by me."  
  
"Or me!"  
  
"No, Yuber. You forgot that we don't let you make the decisions any more. Not since the last time." Albert sighed and shook his head. "Poor Fluffles. May you rest in peace."  
  
He was snapped out of his reverie, however, when Sarah clapped her hands together in vindictive false joy. "Hey everybody! I have a story!"  
  
Yuber giggled in delight. He loved story time, almost as much as he loved drowning kittens.  
  
"Once upon a time, there was a strategist."  
  
"You...wouldn't...dare," Albert breathed, striking a pose that was, at once, menacing and sexy.  
  
Sarah smiled grimly. "He had a brilliant plan to help a bishop of Harmonia."  
  
"I'm a Silverberg, not a punching bag!"  
  
"I ate a punching bag once."  
  
"Why did he come up with this plan?" Sarah went heedlessly on. "So that afterwards, he'd be secured a cushy position in Harmonia. What he didn't realize was that if his plan was carried out, Harmonia would be destroyed! Ha, ha, ha! Looks like he wasn't so good at strategy after all!"  
  
"That wasn't a fun story at all."  
  
"Ahh, but see, I knew my strategy wouldn't be carried out in its entirety," Albert said, matching nasty for nasty. "Because I was counting, quite rightly, on the incompetence of your Master Luc."  
  
"Ohh, you say that now! But I know that that thought had never crossed your mind before. Because, you know what? Master Luc is about to succeed! You say you see things in cause and effect. Maybe you should have studied your effects a little better!"  
  
"Look, it was all a minor miscalculation, okay?" Albert gritted.  
  
"Oh, come on! Face it, Albert. You're a crappy strategist! You disgrace the name of Silverberg!"  
  
"I'll kill you!" Albert screamed, then realized that he was a support character. "Well, that sucks."  
  
"You're pitiful, you know that?" Apparently, Sarah was in her more haughty personality.  
  
"Pitiful?" he said softly, and Sarah flushed at his mere tone. "That's the old metaphor of the pot, isn't it? I'm not the one who follows - no, who is utterly devoted to a man who hardly even acknowledges my existence."  
  
"You know what's really good?" Yuber asked. "Pot cheese. Mm."  
  
A rune-sign flashed over Sarah's head as a mysterious and pungent wind flowed around them. No one really knew where the wind came from, though there were many hypotheses. One of the more popular ones was that the rune was made of spirits whose powers resided in their lower intestines. Really, it was probably so popular 'cause it made people giggle.  
  
"You take that back," Sarah hissed, a remarkable feat as there were no sibilants in that sentence.  
  
Albert smirked. "You threaten me for speaking the truth? And now you want me to beg for my life? Silverbergs don't beg. We don't need to. Begging is for when the truth is but marginal, but we see truth in its entirety. And the truth I see shows to me that your Master Luc is really, very much - "  
  
"How dare you?" Sarah shrieked. Despite never having heard her voice, we can only imagine how shrill and irritating that might be. As if this wasn't punishment enough, she let loose the spell. A raging, whirling windstorm separated itself from her with an incredibly foul smell, and swirled over to engulf Albert. There was a bright flash, and his silhouette, arm over eyes, could be seen for a fraction of a second. Then the storm disappeared, and Albert was gone with it. A thick silence hung over the space until Yuber let out an impressed whistle.  
  
"Oh my God," Sarah breathed. "I just...just..."  
  
"Vaporized," Yuber supplied helpfully. "Thank you. Vaporized Master Luc's strategist!"  
  
"Hm. Yeah, you sure did. That might not have been the best idea."  
  
"The guilt!" she cried. "It hangs heavy upon me! Oh! I hear it! The telltale heartbeat!"  
  
"Quiet, you," Yuber said, thumping his stomach. It beat a few more times, then fell silent. "It said sorry in Morse code," he translated.  
  
"Oh. Oh, good. Oh, God. Master Luc isn't going to be happy."  
  
"I could imagine that he would be."  
  
"I have a plan!"  
  
"Goody."  
  
"Albert was always talking about his little brother, right? Caesar? Well. All we need to do is to kidnap Caesar, dress him in a white trenchcoat, make him pose a lot and say arrogant things!"  
  
"And then we will gather up all the puppies in the land and use them to lure children to us. Then we shall set up a laser field about them and tell them that they just have to escape to get their freedom, and when they do try, most will get cut to shreds, and those who emerge unscathed we will eat."  
  
"It's foolproof!" cried Sarah, who hadn't listened to a word Yuber was saying.  
  
"It's fun!" Yuber alliterated with a dark grin.  
  
"It's fantastic!" they shouted in unison and leaped up to give each other a biiiig hug. Then they stared at each other, horror-stricken.  
  
"Did I..."  
  
"Did you..."  
  
"Did we..."  
  
"We did."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"But I hate your breathing guts."  
  
"And I yours."  
  
"Then let us never speak of this again."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"It pisses me off, though," Sarah burst out. "I mean, he's an evil bishounen! Evil bishounen aren't supposed to die."  
  
"Oh, they die all the time in Suikoden. Zaj, for example."  
  
"Mm. He was hot."  
  
"I'll say." Then he froze.  
  
"Do you want me to ignore that?"  
  
"Oh. Yes. Please." 


	2. The Four Es Make It Eeeextra Special

Notes: Poor Albert. *Snickers* He's my favorite character, if you couldn't tell. Heh heh heh.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So?" Percival asked, grinning in anticipation. "How'd it go?"  
  
"I don't know..." Borus said hesitantly. "I've been avoiding her ever since I sent them to her."  
  
Percival pushed a button on his Plot Device - Romance Edition and watched with glee as Chris appeared, caught sight of them, and started to walk over. "Is that a fat - I mean, fact?" he asked gleefully.  
  
"Yeah. I think I made a good choice with the flowers, though. I sent her orchids. They reminded me of the color of her eyes." He sighed, and somewhere else, an angel got its wings and seventeen separate cases of diabetes were diagnosed.  
  
"But they were dead, right?" Percival asked frantically, twisting a dial on his Plot Device. It shorted out, and he threw it to the ground in frustration. He never should have trusted Yuber.  
  
"Oh, sure. It was great! I walked into the flower store, and all the flowers were dead! It worked out so well. Couldn't find any lettuce, though. I didn't get around to doing that part. God, Percy. If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm going to do. She's so incredible..."  
  
"Hey, Borus!" Chris said from behind him. He looked just about ready to die, and turned to her slowly, face flushed.  
  
"H-hello, Lady Chris," he said, sounding positively mortified. Percival was stomping on his own Plot Device, cursing his rotten luck.  
  
"Thank you for the flowers, Borus. They were absolutely lovely."  
  
Borus visibly perked up. "Really? I - I would have sent them to you on fire, but they told me they couldn't be shipped that way..."  
  
"Oh, that's all right, really," Chris assured him. "Whenever I touch anything, it bursts into flame anyway. The True Fire Rune, don't you know. It's sort of like the Midas Touch, only cooler-looking and somewhat less profitable."  
  
"Because things burn up instead of turning into the most precious substance in the world?" Percival asked, voice dripping scorn.  
  
"Exactly!" Chris said, clapping Percy chummily on the back. "Well. 'Fraid I can't stay and chat. Flame Champion-y things to do and what have you." She walked off rather cheerfully, for her.  
  
"She's wonderful," sighed Borus, smiling.  
  
"Whatever," muttered Percival irritably. Damn them both! Then he tentatively sniffed the air. "Sorry, but do you smell something...burning?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Viki the Elder was sick. This was a terribly bad thing, as when she was sick, she sneezed. Consequently, only Lucia had the courage to get anywhere near her.  
  
"Would you like some more chicken noodle soup?" Lucia asked gently. Viki shook her head miserably. "Well. I'm going to have to go away to do unspecified things in a while, so we should find someone else to keep you company."  
  
"But do wud wants to come dear be," Viki said unhappily.  
  
"Oh, that's all right! We'll get you a pet. What do you want? A dog? God knows there are enough of them around to take...A cat, maybe? To get ready for Suikoden IV?"  
  
Viki thought a moment. "I wad a bishouden."  
  
Lucia hesitated. "A bishounen, huh? Well, I'll...see what I can do..."  
  
Just then, Viki took in a great deep breath. "I'm going do sdeeeze!" she warned. Lucia ran for cover just before Viki let loose.  
  
A tall figure with dark red hair, a long white coat, and an arm protecting his eyes appeared in the middle of the room. Slowly, he straightened.  
  
"Um...Where am I?" Albert asked.  
  
Lucia popped up from behind a dresser. "Damn, I'm good."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Geddoe slowly awoke to the sound of muffled giggling. That was a bad sign. Last time that had happened, Ace had called up the Sexy Granny Escort Service. And while granted, they did make an oddly attractive cookie, there was always the fear that one would break a hip or something.  
  
"Shhh! He's waking up!" Ace hissed. No surprise there.  
  
However, it was Queen that spoke next. "No, it's okay. I'm allowed to do this."  
  
He opened his eyes to see five accursed faces peering over him. Oh, but he hated the world.  
  
"I hope you don't mind," Queen said with a smile. "While you were passed out, I went ahead and made good on the conditions of my win. There's a mirror on the wall. Go on."  
  
He hauled his sorry, headache-y ass out of bed and stumbled over to said mirror. His head was wrapped in a garishly-colored bandanna and his clothes were far too baggy, dragged down further by the multitude of chains that stuck out of every pocket, of which there were far too many.  
  
"Isn't it great?" Ace squawked.  
  
"..."  
  
"You're ghetto, Geddoe!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Now, now, Ace. Let him get accustomed to his new outfit. It won't work, you know," Queen added as he tugged at the bandanna.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"We managed to unearth an old rune - 'Lazy RPG Developer's Rune,' I think it was called. Is that right?"  
  
"Yes," Jacques said simply.  
  
"Yes, it is. As long as you have it affixed, you're stuck in those, er, 'threads.'" She giggled, not a little bit evilly.  
  
"So I'll remove it."  
  
"Oh, but that would take money."  
  
"I have - I have far too much money."  
  
"That's where you're wrong. Ace has far too much money."  
  
Geddoe turned to Ace. "I need to borrow some money."  
  
"Sure, boss. How much?" he asked, digging in a pocket.  
  
"Fifty."  
  
"Fifty," Queen repeated with great emphasis. "You know how much that is, Ace? Half of one hundred. And that's a full tenth of one thousand, which is in turn a tenth of ten thousand. Ten of those is equal to one hundred thousand! And that's well over a tenth of our entire finances!"  
  
"Ace," Geddoe said irritably. "Give me the money." But Ace was looking decidedly uncertain.  
  
"You could give it to him, but ask yourself - how much will it be next time? How much?"  
  
"Ace!"  
  
"Just imagine it, Ace." The sai-wielding whoremonger was backing away, shaking his head.  
  
"Oh, for - give me the goddamn money!" Geddoe snapped, and reached out. There was a flurry of movement, and he snatched his hand back.  
  
"He bit me!"  
  
"So he did," Queen said, watching the quasi-feral Ace crouching in a corner.  
  
"I'm bleeding!"  
  
"So you are. You'd best go to the infirmary. Human bites get infected quite easily. And on the way, you'll have the opportunity to show off your new outfit."  
  
Geddoe, clutching his hand to his chest, shot her a furious look, then stormed off.  
  
"Ouchu," Joker snickered.  
  
"Well-put, my only vaguely coherent friend. Well-put."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Percival lay irritably on his bed, a member of his fanclub (or as he fondly called them, "The Gratuitous Horny Female NPCs") massaging salve into his badly burned back. Strangely enough, they were all named You R. Bigast Fahn. He called them You for short.  
  
"Damn it all!" he snapped, startling You into digging her poorly-rendered fingernails into his back. After kicking her out, he sat gingerly back in a chair. This was not going well. If anything, Borus was even closer to creating a relationship with Chris, and then where would Percival be?  
  
He needed a plan. And to create a plan, he needed an evil mind as devious as his own.  
  
~~~  
  
"Yuh huh huh. The Grim Reaper has love for us all," Landis chortled.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I need someone with less evil."  
  
~~~  
  
"Oh, sure! Love! I know all about it. There was this lad named Romeo, don't you know. I crossed his stars right good."  
  
"More mind," he muttered to himself as he shoved Estella from the room.  
  
~~~  
  
"Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" Guillaume chortled.  
  
"Just...no."  
  
~~~  
  
"You want to destroy your best friend's chance at true and lasting happiness in the world?" Mike repeated, at once horrified and amused.  
  
"Yeah. You want to help me or not?"  
  
"Well, I don't know," he said, intertwining his long fingers. "I'm a man of morals. Doing something so bone-rottingly horrible costs more."  
  
"How much?"  
  
"A million potch."  
  
"My wallet can only hold 999,999."  
  
"I'm sorry, but the price is non-negotiable."  
  
"Well, can I pay you in installments?"  
  
"I'm afraid not."  
  
"Hm. Do you accept other forms of payment?"  
  
"Firstborn child," Mike said with a laugh.  
  
"Done."  
  
This brought the charming card-dealer up short. "Wait - what?"  
  
"Sounds like a good deal."  
  
"I was only - Wait a second. I don't even know if indentured servitude is legal."  
  
"It is," came a new voice from their right. Mike's face hardened as he looked at Billy.  
  
"What was that?" Percival asked.  
  
"Awww, you know. Indentured servi-whatzis is legal."  
  
"And how would you know, you pink-wearing cowboy thief of a deadbeat dad?" Mike asked, voice brittle.  
  
"I do NOT wear pink!" he shouted, and picked up a nearby copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and used it to brain a random NPC.  
  
"But all I ever wanted to do was fill the world with my sweet music!" it bleated as it died.  
  
"..." Mike and Percival responded in unison.  
  
"Anyway," Billy said, archetype of irresponsible hick cool. "I was studyin' ta be a lawyer before I turned to thievin'. I wanted to pursue an honester career, you see."  
  
"Ha, ha," Mike muttered, and it would have taken someone denser than Leo to miss the sarcasm in his voice. "A dishonest lawyer joke. You know, I'd put all my money on the fact that they actually kicked you out for not knowing the comparative form of 'honest.'"  
  
"Yeah, well. I had talent for it, ya know. Even more than what I have with the cards."  
  
"That is definitely not saying very much."  
  
"What's your problem, Mike?" Percival asked. "You're usually so...mild."  
  
"I come from a long line of dignified, elegant card dealers. We have manners. We have class. We have intelligence, and we're unnaturally attractive. I treasure that reputation. But then men like him come through, with his womanizing and his gin and his spittoons - "  
  
"Well, where d'you spit? The floor?" Billy guffawed.  
  
Mike eyed Billy rather in the manner that he would look at a three-legged leper rat that had peed all over his best pack of cards in the middle of the night. "I don't...spit," he said, making it sound rather like "copulate frantically with a wild boar that finds Kenji charming and tends to like it kinky."  
  
"Then you're not a real man, you dumbass little Yuber-loving pansy," he said, then hesitated. "Oh, wait. That was supposed to be implied by the way I said it, huh?"  
  
"Yes, it was, and can we get off this topic, please?" Percival pleaded. "Look - I'm probably going to need someone who can help me, you know, not break the law. What are your fees?"  
  
"Second-born child," Billy said as Mike made outraged noises.  
  
"Done, and done!"  
  
"Look, I'm not working with him."  
  
"Mike, do you want an unnaturally handsome card-lackey or not?"  
  
"Well, yes. But - oh, whatever," he said bad-naturedly.  
  
"Good. So?"  
  
"So what?"  
  
"What's your plan?"  
  
"Oh, yes. Well. What you have to do is take Chris before Borus gets to her."  
  
"I'm sorry. I just need to clear up a misconception of yours. There will be no taking of Chris. It is impossible to take her. She could take me any day of the week, but not vice versa."  
  
"Well, thank you for that charming little speech, but you seem to have missed the point. She finds Borus charming, so what you need to do is act like Borus, only more so."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Good! Get to it, then!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"We're lost," Yuber announced.  
  
"No we're not."  
  
"We wouldn't be lost if I were doing the teleport."  
  
"We're not lost."  
  
"Yes we are."  
  
"No we're not."  
  
"I'll bet you twenty potch we're lost."  
  
"For crying out - it's a goddamn teleport. You disappear in one place, you appear in another."  
  
"Of course, it helps if you know where the second place is."  
  
"And the first."  
  
"True. You know, I could teleport us a lot better."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Because you're Satan."  
  
"And a recurring villain to boot."  
  
"I already said you were Satan."  
  
"Satan isn't necessarily recurring. Or a villain, for that matter."  
  
"Satan not a villain?"  
  
"Nope. Take Angel Sanctuary, for instance."  
  
"Mmm. He was hot in Angel Sanctuary."  
  
"I'll say."  
  
"..."  
  
"...I should really stop doing that."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Because it's kind of..."  
  
"Kind of?"  
  
"Kind of eeee."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Yes."  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Is it really necessary to have four?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Four 'e's. Is it really necessary?"  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well, in western culture, the number three holds most of the significance. You know. Three men, three wishes, three bishounen having a sordid ménage a trois - "  
  
"So, do you have a single-track mind or what?"  
  
"Two-track, actually. Bishounen and Luc. It kind of overlaps."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Hey, Sarah. You know what would be really funny? If they made a sitcom about us. They could call it...'I Love Luc-y!'"  
  
"..."  
  
"...Oh."  
  
Pause.  
  
"This would be going a lot faster if we didn't spend all our time standing about bantering."  
  
"It would also be going a lot faster if I were doing the teleport."  
  
"Like hell! It's an instantaneous thing."  
  
"Uh-huh. Or it would be, if we weren't lost."  
  
"We're not lost."  
  
"Yes we are."  
  
"No we're not."  
  
"I'll bet you twenty potch we are..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"There is something very, very wrong about this," Albert said as Lucia handed the other end of his leash to Viki. She had seemed to get right over her cold once she had seen what she had to distract her.  
  
"Don't be ludicrous," Lucia said, ruffling his dark crimson hair with something rather akin to affection. He wasn't entirely sure if she didn't know who he was or just didn't care. "Guys love this sort of thing. Just ask Hugo's dad!"  
  
One elegant eyelid over one keen emerald eye began to twitch. "Don't get me wrong," he said, shuddering, "you're a very attractive woman, but that's the sort of thing I don't really want to know."  
  
"Well, you had best get used to it, babycakes," she snickered.  
  
This was too much. "Don't you know who I am? I'm a Silverberg, not a love-slave!"  
  
"Not impossible to be both," she shrugged.  
  
He could think of no response to this, so he merely muttered, "This cannot possibly be legal."  
  
"It is," Billy said. They all stared at him until he left.  
  
"Now, Viki," Lucia said, "promise me you'll take good care of him."  
  
"I will, Miss Lucia."  
  
"You'll feed him..."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"And give him plenty of - " She snickered. "Exercise - "  
  
"Sure thing!"  
  
"Well then. You be a good boy, Mr. Silverberg," she grinned, then walked off and shut the door behind her.  
  
"Wait! Don't leave me!" Albert wailed. As creepy as Lucia was, Viki was just scary.  
  
"I think I'll name you Rufus," she announced.  
  
"Look! How many times do I have to tell you people, I did not steal his outfit - "  
  
"What are you talking about?" she giggled.  
  
"My name is Albert. Albert Silverberg. Look, I'm a - I'm a very powerful man. I'm a strategist - For God's sake! I work for Luc! Your enemy! Don't you think it would be a good idea to hold me for ransom, to - to use me in exchange for the halting of his plans - "  
  
"Silly Rufus! I'm neeeever gonna give you up! Nope, nope! You know what I think I'll do now?"  
  
"No. No, and I don't want to know." Damn his support character status!  
  
"I think I'll play dress-up!"  
  
"Oh God."  
  
"You remember FFIX? Kuja sure did have a cute outfit!"  
  
And Albert Silverberg, unflappable master strategist, began to scream. 


	3. And the Fourth Wall Comes Crumblin' Down

Notes: Heh hehh heh hhheh hehhh. For the record, I love Percival. He's my, like, third favorite character. Maybe fourth. Something like that.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Pardon me," Sarah said, walking up to someone.  
  
"Do you know the way to Budehuc Castle?" the exotic-looking man asked her.  
  
She blinked. "Um. I was just about to ask the same thing."  
  
"Oh. Well. Thank you," he said, then wandered off in a random direction.  
  
"We're lost, aren't we?" Yuber asked when she returned.  
  
"No," she said defensively as she teleported again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Step one in Operation: Act Like Borus: Instigate a massacre.  
  
Percival leaped dramatically out from behind a bush, flourishing his flashing sword, only to catch his foot on the platform and go tumbling into the waist-deep water.  
  
"This place is a pit," he muttered once his cohorts had pulled him out.  
  
"All the more reason to destroy it, right?" Mike responded. Percival eyed him uncertainly. "Oh, come on, Percy! I'm trying to get you into this!"  
  
"One, don't call me that, and two, don't." He sighed. "The world is rotten."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"I should give up now."  
  
"Ohhh, noooo, no no," Mike said, shaking his head vehemently. "I have spent over two hours now with Billy. I am getting your firstborn child. That sacrifice shall not have been for nothing."  
  
"I'm takin' the offensive to that!" Billy grated. Mike clenched his jaw and his elegant fists both, then visibly calmed himself.  
  
"You see?" he asked. "Look - just go in there, stab a few of the damn birds, we'll torch the place, and then we'll be done, okay?"  
  
"I need mah dinner, so you grab one a' the corpses as you come out, okay?" Billy called after Percival as the knight strode decisively forward.  
  
As soon as he set foot inside the main platform of which Duck Village was composed, a frantic quacking filled the air. However, it was of entirely the wrong sort.  
  
"Percy! Percy!" one little duck quacked.  
  
"Ohh, it's been so long since you visited!" an old matron said. "I've found this new use for soy sauce, it's fantastic - you'll have to stay for dinner - "  
  
"Oh, Percival gets more handsome every day!"  
  
"Look! Everyone!" Percival called. "I'm not here to visit, all right? I'm here to kill you!"  
  
A loud, quacking laughter filled the air, 'cause that would be reeeally funny, were he actually joking.  
  
"Tell us the one about the frog with the teeth!"  
  
Percival glanced back desperately. Mike, it seemed, had a headache coming on; he had dropped his forehead into his hand. Billy was grinning and giving him the double thumbs-up.  
  
"I'm not - look, Snokki, I don't have time for jokes, okay? I really, really need you to die!"  
  
"Look." Evidently, Mike had decided to intervene in this botched job. "Maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. We need it to appear as though Percival has massacred your village."  
  
The Duck chief waddled to the fore. "And why do you need that?"  
  
"It's a long story," Percival said with a shrug. "Well, that's not true. It's not even all that long. I just don't feel like telling it to you."  
  
"Well, I suppose we could do that, but...it'll cost you."  
  
"And what will it cost us, you damned bird?" Mike asked.  
  
The duck quacked. "Are you avianophobic?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Afraid of birds. Avianophobic."  
  
"That's not - that's not even a word!" Mike cried.  
  
"No, actually, I think he's right. Anyway, nameless duck chief. How about my third-born child?" Percy offered.  
  
The duck considered. "Well, you seem pretty popular with the female side of the population...Done."  
  
"Excellent." He pulled out a tongue of flame. It didn't much...move.  
  
The chief of the duck clan poked it. "Rollbacks in the budget?"  
  
Percival nodded. "We could only afford one frame. So, put that on your buildings, and when anyone comes to the village, tell them Percival was the one who massacred you."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Percival."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Percival, goddammit, Percival!" Oh, come on. Just because he was the Chiki Star didn't mean he couldn't get pissed off.  
  
"Yeah, I know. I was just messing with you." Ducky laughter filled the air.  
  
"The world is rotten!" Percival announced again before stalking out of the village.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oh, my darling Mio," Tuta half-whispered. The nurse slowly turned to him.  
  
"Yes, Tuta?" she asked breathlessly. He walked to her and cupped her face.  
  
"My dearest, my darling...I lo - "  
  
The door slammed open as Geddoe stomped angrily in, then took a bed and thrust his hand out to be attended to.  
  
"Oh! Ah, Sir Geddoe!" Tuta said, blushing furiously as he pulled back from Mio. "What seems to be the problem?"  
  
Geddoe twitched his hand impatiently. Only then did Tuta actually look at the bearer of the True Lightning rune. He bit his lip as he pulled out his bandages, but when he turned back, he couldn't control himself.  
  
"Doctor Tuta!" Mio gasped, shocked at his uproarious laughter. "Oh, you poor thing," she said, ministering to Geddoe's hand and giving him a pat on the head which was far, far worse than laughter. "I know that sometimes you just want to be accepted for who you are, regardless of how you dress - "  
  
"Shut up, wench!" Geddoe roared. "Don't talk to me as though I'm some child!"  
  
"Oh, of course not, Sir Geddoe. Wouldn't dream of it. Would you like a lollipop?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Well? Would you?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Ohh, I understand," she smiled. "Well. It'll just be between you and me - please, Doctor Tuta!" she said, getting a sucker from the drawer as Tuta's hilarity was redoubled.  
  
"I'm one hundred and twelve, you know," Geddoe grumbled.  
  
"Oh, that's wonderful! I'm one hundred and twenty seven," she said patronizingly as she slipped the lollipop into his bandaged hand. "Now, you run along, and don't let the bigger kids bite you anymore, okay?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Good!" she said, and pushed him outside, where he was the object of quite a few stares.  
  
"The world is rotten," he muttered to himself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Um, we can't stop here," Yuber said as he realized where they had materialized.  
  
Sarah blinked about her. "Oh, come on. They're all NPCs. Even if we did attempt to destroy their village and everything dear to them, they couldn't attack us."  
  
"That's not it," the demon replied. "That's not it at all. See, I - I sort of asked Yuiri out..."  
  
"You're joking," Sarah said, jaw slack.  
  
"Of course I'm joking, you skank," he said, smirking again. "Asked her out! Really. No, I tried to stab her. Her blood seemed particularly sweet, you see..."  
  
"She turned you down, huh?"  
  
Yuber shrugged. "Do you think it was because I tried to destroy all meaning in her friend's sacrifice?"  
  
"That might possibly have had something to do with it, yes."  
  
"Anyway. Can we possibly - you know - go somewhere else?"  
  
Sarah sighed and cast the teleport spell again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chris was having her bunions rubbed by one of her minions, Imin Luv Whichoo. She called him, just as she called all the other minions of the exact same name, I.  
  
Speaking of which... "I, could you send I in with the schedule, please?"  
  
The minion left her bunions to attend to her request.  
  
"Yuh huh huh."  
  
Chris didn't even have to open her eyes to identify the snicker. "Landis, how do you keep getting in here?"  
  
"The Grim Reaper shows me the path...Huh huh huh..."  
  
"Okay, then, why do you keep coming in here?"  
  
"Huh huh huh...'Cause you're real pretty...Huh huh."  
  
"Oh. Well...thank you, Landis, for that...very, very creepy statement. Now, if you don't mind..."  
  
"You know, you will be free of the burdens of schedules and bunions when - "  
  
"No, no, please; let me guess. When the Grim Reaper lays his cold and bony hand upon my stylishly coifed hair."  
  
"Actually, huh huh, I was gonna say when the Revolution came."  
  
She sighed. "I thought that Sasarai had burned all the copies of the Communist Manifesto..."  
  
"Huh huh. The world will not truly be free until we establish a free and equitable society for the proletariat utterly devoid of any lingering socio- economic biases which taint our relations among ourselves." He paused. "Or when we're all dead. Yuh huh huh."  
  
Just then, I walked in with a stack of papers. "Thank the Goddess," she muttered, then raised her voice. "Well, that's nice, Landis, but I have things to attend to."  
  
"The Grim Reaper cares nothing for schedules."  
  
"Yes, well, the army does, so if you'll be so kind as to shoo...?"  
  
I sat down next to her and handed her a copy of the schedule. She was able to read the first item before the paper incinerated in her hand. She sighed and held her hand out for another.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Excuse me, but do you know - "  
  
"This village was massacred by Percival."  
  
Sarah blinked. "I'm sorry?"  
  
"This village was massacred by Percival."  
  
"Oh. Okay. Well, could you direct me to - "  
  
"This village was massacred by Percival."  
  
"No! You stupid duck! That's not what I want to know!"  
  
"What's the matter now, Sarah?" Yuber asked.  
  
"This stupid bird can't say anything besides - "  
  
"This village was massacred by Percival."  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"And how is this different from any NPC you've met so far?"  
  
"Goddammit! All I need to know is - "  
  
"This village was massacred by Percival."  
  
"See?"  
  
"You know, duck," Yuber said, leaning in with a cruel grin, "this village could be massacred by someone else entirely..."  
  
"Yuber, shut up. We don't have time for that."  
  
He looked disappointed. "But Saaarahhhh..."  
  
"But Sarah, nothing. Look, if you're a good boy, I'll find you a puppy to eat, okay?"  
  
"Yaay!" Yuber said and ran ahead to the teleport. "Come oooon, or I'll start teleporting myself!"  
  
Sarah did return to the teleport, but not before she let off one parting blow: "And those special effects are the worst I've seen since popular gaming left the 16-bit system!"  
  
As a clever retort, the duck shot back: "This village was massacred by Percival!" 


End file.
